Monday, August 15, 2011

Hard Days

You can have all the support in the world and feel ok.. but when you are alone... and things start running through your mind, you break down.
I had not had the chance to just let it all out... i sometimes pretend to be stronger than i am... but i am not, I rather not talk about it, and swallow the whole pain in one big gulp.... and it almost feels like I'm swallowing a big ball of fire, especially when my daughter asks me "is my little brother hungry" or "cold" or any question related to our loss. I can't let her see the pain... I push the words out of my mouth and hold back my tears and tell her.. "he/she is going to be a little bit late"
Yesterday, was bad... anything would make me cry... My husband asked me if I wanted to go to our chapel... I didn't know if I wanted to be there.
I felt so much sadness, I couldn't bear the thought of being in front of  God, What would I say? My head is asking " why did you give him to me and then take him away" but my heart reminded me of our Virgin... How selfish of me... who was I to ask something like that?
I cried, sat there just accepting his will
And I prayed for strength...

Saturday, August 13, 2011

GRACIAS

El apoyo que me brinda mi familia, mis amigos y mi esposo es tan grande que gracias a dios no he sentido dolor... Bueno no ha sido tan fuerte... Me da mas sentimiento sentir el carino de mi familia Y amigos...se que estan conmigo.

GRACIAS!

Friday, August 12, 2011

The "M" Word

It was a miscarriage....
it started lightly but it escalated to bright red...
Anyways life goes on, and we keep on trying and Para arriba y para adelante

Worry Too Much?

I should be around 6 weeks today... and i woke up a little bit more scared today... I have been quite stressed lately and well... today when my my mom asked me what was going on with me... i couldn't hold back my tears and anxiety concerns about this pregnancy...
Sure enough I get to work... and i go to the ladies room... pee and wipe pinkish....
I can't even bear the thought

Monday, August 8, 2011

1st Doctors Appointment

I am :(
Iam very scared, im scared of going to the doctor on August 16th and the same thing happening... I'm freaked out, I've been taking pt like crazy.....I even bought a digital one....
That seems to kind of ease my mind, but when I am at work.... or by myself, that is the only thing i seem to think about....
Today I decided to take a belly picture.... What is the worse that can happen... break my heart again... Let's just pray for the best
Not bad ;)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Dar Gracias

Hay una pequena capilla por mi casa, y ayer tuve tiempo de llegar a dar gracias...
Llegue a encomendarle mi pequeno retonito a Mi Virgencita, y que fuera lo que ella quisiera lo aceptabamos con mucho gusto. Que todo lo que nos mandan, es porque saben que podemos y que seremos los mejores padres para nuestros hijos.... Senti una bendicion tan grande cayo sobre mi.... no habia podido caer en cuenta, que todo este tiempo de dolor que yo tenia, habia llegado a su final...y empeze a llorar de felicidad... Diran que que chipis.... pues si.... no es cierto.... si senti algo muy bonito....

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Our Journey....The dream.... The plans...

After a blighted ovum and a D&C and the feeling of being a failure, even when I stopped and I though that this was for a reason, that God had other plans for us... since we left him out when deciding to use Mirena...it was the least he could do to let us know, that it's not in us to decide, how many or when...it's him

It has been a very humble experience for us, my sister recently found out she was pregnant for the second time, and she was already 20 weeks, it just left me to just sit and question God's decisions, why? why them? why her? what about us?
Couldn't even bear the thought, I couldn't think of it... nor talk to her, seeing her pregnant cracked, punched and squeezed my heart every time.

We moved on... I would worry every month, but not like before... 

Not to long ago, and I'm going to make it very short because apparently this dream has other meanings as well, I am still trying to decipher... it started scary but it got peaceful at the end of that part.

Im going to call her my guardian angel, because she came to tell me something in my dream, i can't quite remember what it was about, but during the dream she was with me everywhere I went, and I remember asking for her to visit me often and, she responds that, She had only come to warn me, and that it was very hard to get these kind of permits.
(That is what makes me believe she is a guardian angel.)
At almost the end of the dream, i dared to ask one more question, and it went something like this "am i preggers?" she just smiled and that was all I needed to burst into tears of happiness. She answered that before I even knew!

Yesterday I made T-shirts for our daughter and one for daddy, Telling them about the expectancy.I will post pictures later

I am still kind of worried since the it's just the beginning... in the meanwhile keep us in your prayers


POLKA DOT

 

Monday, August 1, 2011

BFP!

I COULDN'T WRITE IT BIGGER BUT WE GOT A BFP! TWO ACTUALLY.... THING IS J DOESN'T KNOW YET... HOW CAN I TELL HIM?!

Sunday Evening


Monday Morning, (A LITTLE BIT SHAKEY)


**CREMITA... Please DON'T SAY NOTHING YET**