You can have all the support in the world and feel ok.. but when you are alone... and things start running through your mind, you break down.
I had not had the chance to just let it all out... i sometimes pretend to be stronger than i am... but i am not, I rather not talk about it, and swallow the whole pain in one big gulp.... and it almost feels like I'm swallowing a big ball of fire, especially when my daughter asks me "is my little brother hungry" or "cold" or any question related to our loss. I can't let her see the pain... I push the words out of my mouth and hold back my tears and tell her.. "he/she is going to be a little bit late"
Yesterday, was bad... anything would make me cry... My husband asked me if I wanted to go to our chapel... I didn't know if I wanted to be there.
I felt so much sadness, I couldn't bear the thought of being in front of God, What would I say? My head is asking " why did you give him to me and then take him away" but my heart reminded me of our Virgin... How selfish of me... who was I to ask something like that?
I cried, sat there just accepting his will
And I prayed for strength...